*Highly advise to get comfortable and a cuppa in hand before you start reading as I have tendency to write and write..
Now it’s only right for me to start from the beginning, which was a life changing event for me, the arrival of my beautiful baby boy Zakariyya and one that has encouraged me to write again. The journey was not a pleasant one at all, one that will forever be etched in my mind. I sound so morbid, but pregnancy was unfortunately pretty traumatic for me for many reasons. Now it started well, I was lucky to escape the sickness. I had pangs of nausea but was able to manage this well with good ol’ graham crackers. I lived with them by the bedside and this kept it at bay. Through the first trimester, I managed to do everything I would normally do albeit I would get tired a LOT quicker. I squeezed in a London staycation and visited Antalya with my besties and I am so glad I did as it was all about to change.
I entered my second trimester and it all went south for me.. (ironically my husband, Mohammed, is from the South and as I write this I smile because I know there will be raised eyebrows from him by the reference). I was suffering from low back pain intermittently and had put it down to the usual pregnant pains one is to expect and soldiered on but one Saturday morning these back pains were stronger than before.. I ignored it and thought some paracetamol would sort it out so I rolled out of bed and proceeded to make breakfast for me and my husband as you would. My movement was limited due to the pain but I still didn’t think much of it and carried on until I doubled over and collapsed due to the pain. At this point I felt like I was going to pass out to which I was focusing so hard not to do and instead then felt like I was going to puke so darted (but not quite the pace you would expect) to the bathroom…
I didn’t puke but I couldn’t stand and Mohammed who was getting out of the bed was then suspicious to all this activity and came to see what was going on. He helped me get up and we went into the sitting room and enroute to the sitting room, I doubled over again as my lower back was spasming out.. the pain was unreal and this occurred again and again. We called 111 who advised given the stage of my pregnancy I needed to visit A&E to which I was very resistant to (for reasons you will read about in due course). We made it to A&E with great difficulty as I just couldn’t move my lower limbs and the spasms did not stop. If there was any a time in my pregnancy I looked pregnant it was here! No bump but I was doing the controlled breathing that you learn to coax through the pain, wincing and with a hand placed on my back walking very slowly with Mohammed’s support, I must have looked like I was in labour lol. I can laugh now but this wasn’t the case then. I was seen immediately thankfully and upon being checked of course I was tachycardic with my heart rate at 172 which sent the doctors in a panic. Having white coat syndrome this was nothing new for me and I was trying to assure everyone I was fine and this always happens due to my hospital anxiety. The doctor confirmed I had suffered a slipped disc which was pressing down on my nerve which was resulting in the spasms and limited movement. I was given some medication which unfortunately didn’t do much as I was only allowed certain medication with being pregnant. This was just the start, from here on I became bed bound not being able to move unless moved by my husband and then house bound once my movement got better. My mum had to come to live with us to help me during this period.
Now it goes without saying, it was painfully hard. I hadn’t experienced pain like this in the entirety of my 31 years and at the same time I was pregnant and no helpful meds to get me through it. I had so much going through my mind, this was the second trimester where typically you have bursts of energy and you were able to enjoy being pregnant but this wasn’t the case for me. I simply couldn’t move, was restricted to the confines of my bed and then home and this wasn’t me. From being very outdoorsy and social to being isolated and in excruciating pain that just didn’t go away. Only immediate family/friends knew of the pregnancy because of all of the above and the only outside activity I got was being back and forth in the hospital and the chiropractors so it made this experience quite lonely. I withdrew from my social media and pretty much everything. I had a backlog of editing to do so everything was weighing in on me. We frequently hear a lot about post-natal depression but never about pre-natal depression which is somewhat what I was experiencing. Thoughts of why I am going through this, if I wasn’t pregnant then I would not be like this but then instantly reprimanding myself and thinking I should be pleased I was pregnant as there were those that couldn’t carry. My temporary inability to move was someone else’s permanent reality. This was my state of mind for a while and thankfully my husband and those around me helped me out of this low place I was in. It was during this point I was reminded about the patience of Ayyub (A.S) who was severely afflicted with illness but remained steadfast. It was here that I was like it is okay for me to break down and question this situation, I was human after all and given a mind to perceive such. It was okay for me to wish otherwise but at the very same time to know this test was a test saving me from other possible afflictions. It was a test of my strength both physically and emotionally.
I went through this cycle of questioning my reality and feeling very low but then feeling grateful of being able to conceive and carry my baby despite the difficulties attached to it. “Verily with hardship comes ease” {95:5} and ease did come, my baby boy decided to enter the world early just like his mama. The birth is an entirely different story which again was a continuation of trauma but as I write this now and look back on to the chain of events that led to his birth, currently Zakariyya is rolling around in his play gym so all I can say is Alhamdullilah.
Afflictions come and go, the ability to remain patient during it is hard but we are promised ease and holding on to that can keep you going.. ease will come.
