The fourth trimester is a very important one, just as important as the previous three trimesters but is often overlooked. You have just birthed your baby whether that be via a C-section or naturally. For 7-9 months of carrying this baby, your body went through a series of changes and through a lot of emotions, whether they were hormonal or not. You now have a little human to look after and nothing prepares you for that. Literally NOTHING. No amount of reading, courses, YouTube videos, watching others can prepare you for the real thing. I mean this is something you have never gone through before and you are now responsible to nurture this little being that is wholly dependent on you. SCARY right?
Whilst this journey is a beautiful one and is truly unmatched, it does come with advice whether you would like it or not. As soon as I gave birth and left the hospital, I headed to my mums for some hands-on help with Zakariyya whilst I focused on my recovery. This is usually the norm in Asian culture and just gives us that much needed respite. I had suffered extensive tearing so had to receive surgery, lost a lot of blood and was on a lot of medication and this was all through a natural birth. It pained to move, to sit and to stand. Thank god for Mama Khan who not only helped with looking after Zakariyya but also helped me. From bone broth soups to energy balls, to meals that were full of hearty goodness teamed with turmeric milk, she had it all on the menu. I was dying for a spicy chicken burger and chips and god bless my dad who I think felt sorry for me. So, one evening he brought me just that, but my ma denied me the juicy looking spicy chicken burger that I was craving so badly sat right in front of me. It was just my luck… you should have seen my face! But it wasn’t all bad as I ate her plain burger and chips.. I guess that was better than yet another soup.
It was through this time where I was healing physically and mentally from what I felt was a complete whirlwind. Whacked in the face of what was now motherhood. Cluster feeds, colic, sleep deprivation, the body aches, that dreaded first trip to the toilet but for me this was countless trips due to the stitches from the tearing.. that pain just continued. My god, it was hard! Nothing I had read prepared for me this, I was still constantly reading threads each time something new presented itself. I remember doing a midnight trip with Papa Khan to Asda as Zakariyya suddenly had an unexpected outburst post an evening feed and nothing was settling him, so I bought some colic drops. It was here where advice started pouring in, from my mother whose advice I valued as she did bring me up and had raised not only my siblings but other babies from the wider family and was once a creche teacher. So, I sought a lot of advice from her, but advice also came from elders sharing stories from their time whereby the era/generation was completely different and of course other mums.
I was advised during this time to stay as long as I could with my mum, to take a step back and let myself physically and mentally heal. To not take Zakariyya out as he may get “cold” despite it being the peak of summer. This advice is what you would receive predominantly within the Asian culture where you stay with your mum for 40 days and you pretty much don’t step outside. Now I wouldn’t say this was ill advice and that they didn’t mean well but for me it was. I love the outdoors and love going on long walks and hikes. I find it so calming and therapeutic and the fact that I get some form of exercise in is a plus. So, for me to get this from everyone was not what I wanted to hear. After 3 weeks I felt I had healed somewhat, not fully but somewhat, and I knew my self-recovery would take some time but returning home back to Leeds and throwing myself into life would aid it. Now did I jump the gun… yes, but did I need it.. also, Yes!
I returned to Leeds after those three weeks despite my mum and others insisting I complete the full 40 days but I am so glad I did return home. My mum had sent me back with a lot of food so luckily I didn’t have to get cooking straight away as my mum knew if it were left up to my husband, we would have a clean home but it would be an omelette for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Now I am a fan of eggs but not to the extent of becoming one! Hah.
Adjusting to this new family of ours was lovely as I resumed going on walks with Mohammed and even braved doing solo trips out with Zakariyya but it was ever so exhausting without the extra help, as my husband’s family live in London and mine in Lancashire. This was exactly what I needed though physically and mentally, getting back into a routine (though with a newborn you can only try), being a mama and learning how to be one each day, making mistakes because it’s all new territory, having down days when it’s all too much but soldiering on but balancing this by doing the things I loved which was our family trips out to solo walks, taking myself on brunch and coffee dates whilst Mohammed looked after Zakariyya for a few hours. Was I fully healed physically? No.. but I was on track to heal and my state of mind was imperative to just that. It was all NEEDED. This was me and this new version was who I was going to become but it still needed to be the lifestyle I enjoyed albeit different with now having a baby.
Postpartum myths of - you are completely healed and recovered at 6 weeks postpartum so you are able to do anything. No, not for some or even many. Our bodies are all different, just like our biological clock. For some women the menstrual cycle starts at 4 weeks and for some its 5 and then for some it’s a bit hit and miss. Just like that, some of us take longer to heal, our bodies just need some extra time, some of us need longer emotionally, some of us need that extra help and there is nothing wrong in that as each of us are different. Our bodies took on pregnancy in its own way as we all didn’t experience the same set of symptoms, birthed our babies in its own way whether it be by intervention or naturally and just like that will recover itself in its own way. It is so important to pay attention to your own body and mind and to prioritize YOUR health and happiness. It’s a good thing to do. There are no set weeks for this to happen and this is the lens it should be looked at with (photography pun intended).
Motherhood is the same, my parenting methods may be different to another but that’s completely fine. You know your child and I know mine, what works or has worked for you may not work for me and again that’s fine. This period of entering into motherhood is such a special one but comes with its vulnerabilities, you may bare all or you may not, if advice is sought then feel free to give but if it isn’t then please refrain.
Mum guilt is real, mum shaming is real. We will all learn in our own ways and let’s be supportive of that.
This is a journey of ours to take so let it be exactly that.
